(I wrote this when I was nineteen. I am now twenty-two. It’s not been edited since then– I didn’t want to mess with it because the person that wrote this doesn’t exist anymore and I have to respect the dead.)
I’ve been really into vitamins and superfoods lately. I just think it’s so fun how they promise to fix everything that’s ever been wrong with anyone ever. I can B5 my brittle nails away, I can D3 my depression away, and with enough sea moss gel in my system i will become immortal and eat the sun.1 every morning i make my ego boost superiority complex superhuman smoothie with my farmers market kale (organic, obviously), hemp seeds, sea moss gel, collagen peptides, vegan protein powder, and liquid chlorophyll. And then I take my probiotics, my vegan friendly multivitamin, and my b-complex. What even are any of these things! I don’t know, but god does it make me feel insanely cool. I feel like a combination of an alien and Chris Traeger in Parks and Rec before he realized he is orthorexic and depressed. 2
I also love words like superfood and biohacking because it just sounds so magical and insane. Hacking your body to glean as many benefits from it as possible? That sounds horrific and dystopian but god so awesome. It’s like you’re a superhero. Superheroes must eat superfoods right. Superman probably never skips out on a wheatgrass shot, that’s why he’s buff and cool. If I don’t skip out on my wheatgrass shots I will also have a chance at being jacked and flying i don’t know what superman does i’ve never read the comics or seen the show but i do think it’s cool that he’s vegetarian!
That’s the thing about vegetarians and vegans. We are better than everyone else. I have been vegan for 7 years now and everytime i announce that to someone my thick girthy meaty3 pulsating tumescent cock gets so much thicker and girthier and meatier4 and pulsates MORE and gets EVEN MORE tumescent.5 I get off on how much better than everyone I am by being vegan. Yeah, I have a lot of self discipline!!!!! And restraint! And I back up my morals with my actions! What have you done? Meatless monday every once in a while? Psh!!!!
People will always warn you about crazy vegans who will shove their lifestyle down their throat and make you feel bad about yourself, and many vegans will spend their whole vegan lives convincing others that they are not like that. Well I am, I am like that. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. What’s so bad about being passionate? Especially when you’re passionate about something so Grand as saving the world and all the animals? What’s so fucking wrong with that? Nothing! Sorry I’m perfect and so much better than you.
I also am obsessed with the superfood thing because I hate food and eating. It is such a hassle. You have to cook or you have to go somewhere or SOMETHING. You have to buy food to eat or you have to buy food to make other food with. You have to eat a variety of things and they are all different colours and textures and you can’t be too bothered or grossed out by the clusterfuck of it all because otherwise you will starve and die. And oh my god the cleanup!!!!! Jesus fucking christ. And oh my god the effects it has on your body!!! Food comas are so insanely inconvenient. And you have to do it like at least 3 times a day dude!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gas, indigestion, heartburn, bloating, nausea, food poisoning. If we didn’t eat all of that would just go away. Not in an eating disorder way, just in an evolved past the need for eating way. If i could eat a crunchy gray cube every morning that supplied me with all the nutrients and energy i need for the day i would be the happiest girl in the world. This is why vampirism is so appealing to me. I just drink some blood every once in a while and I’m good? Sign me the fuck up! I’ve tried to eat homogenously and predictably and I guess it kind of works but it gets boring and I feel like I am not getting all the right VITAMINS and shit. Right now i am eating fistfuls of raw fistfuls of kale. What if i could just do that all the time? And it would fill me up and be sufficient? That would be awesome! Alas, that is not the case.
My superfood kick also comes from my deep desire to be an alien or an animal or just some sort of creature and therefore having a creature diet. I can’t stop thinking about the scene in the movie Splice where Sarah Polley makes Dren –the amphibian bird insect human hybrid that Sarah Polley made in a lab– this soup mixture with tic-tacs and vegetables and supplements and feeds it to her with a pipette. That’s what I want. I want someone to make me a goopy mixture that has all the nutrients I need to thrive and feed it to me with their gloved hand.6 I just want to be someone’s pet but in a completely non-sexual way get your mind out of the gutter you sicko. I want to be a crazy cat lady’s cat. Or Sarah Polley’s amphibian bird insect human hybrid.7 I want to be taken care of like E.T. in the movie E.T. That can’t be too much to ask can it? I hope not. Can that be organized? who can I talk to about that?
- 4 weeks into forcing spoonfuls of sea moss gel down my throat. Sun’s looking more and more appetizing every day.
↩︎ - Maybe I’m orthorexic and depressed too? No. just an alien. Superhuman, extraterrestrial, supernatural. I’m “different” and “better.” ↩︎
- Impossible-meaty. Beyond-meaty. Tofu-ey.
↩︎ - sup.
↩︎ - In other words, being vegan makes me feel content and happy : )
↩︎ - And they’re wearing a hazmat suit, and we’re in a lab under fluorescent lighting. Actually no fluorescent lighting makes me anxious so it’s candlelit. Wait no that’s weirdly romantic — I don’t want romantic. The room is just nicely dimly lit in an entirely sexless virginal way. How about that.
↩︎ - It doesn’t even have to be Sarah Polley in particular I’ve been mentioning her a lot but it’s just for context she doesn’t actually mean anything to me. That sounded harsh. But I’m sure she won’t be too offended when she most definitely reads this. Hello Ms. Polley I love your work. ↩︎
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